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WHAT SEX ARE THEY ??
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it
and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to
have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female .. Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider this: it gives men pleasure, he'd be
lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Fcuknig amzanig huh?
TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS
BETTER THAN HAVING SEX
10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. Once you've done it,
you don't have to wait an hour to do it again.
8. The uglier you look; the more likely you'll get some.
7. You don't have to
make small talk with the person who gave you the candy.
6. The person giving it to you isn't fantasizing you're someone
else.
5. If you get a stomachache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear a mask,
no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. You don't have to call
the person that gave it to you next week.
And the #1 reason trick-or-treating is better than having sex...
1. IF
YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!!!
HOW TO MAKE LOVE
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4 Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until
well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover
with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften,
repeat 4 steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully
before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
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*a girls first time*
(Assume you are a girl if you are a boy)
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid
and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes
and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him;
more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you
as little pain as possible. As he presses; closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your
body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but
you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out
of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have
been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time
to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinking?! PERVERT
You might be a Maritimer if....
1. You're idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going to Moncton for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people that have hit a deer.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You use a down filled comforter in the summer.
7. Your Grandparents drive at 100 km. through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on both your house and garage and go and leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as: Meat, Fish and Tim Hortons.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot of the Canadian Tire store at any given time.
13. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the pot holes are filled with snow.
15. Your lingerie consists of tube socks and flannel pajamas.
16. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still winter and Construction.
17. It takes 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're
in a hurry because you have to stop and talk to everybody in town.
And Finally:
You live in the Maritimes when......
18. You actually understand these jokes and forward them onto all your friends from the Maritimes.
Funny, isn't it?
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then
wonder why the world's going to hell.
Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what
the Bible says.
Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do
not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says. (Or is it scary?)
Funny how someone can say
"I believe in God" but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "believes" in God).
Funny how you can send
a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people
think twice about sharing.
Funny
how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in
the school and workplace.
Funny
how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they
believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them.
Funny
how we can go to church for Christ on Sunday, but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week. (Are you laughing?)
Funny
how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me. (Are you thinking?)
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