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BLACK
ROBBERS - True Story
By
far the best email Ive read so far....For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's, take on this: (And it's a true story...)
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took
a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in
her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat, she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As
she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an
intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be
a bigot; they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood
and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but gosh, they had
to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed.
She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with
the other foot and was on the elevator.
Avoiding
eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second,
and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about
to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then
one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she
threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me,
she prayed.
More
seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push
the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.
The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.
"When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button
for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having
a hard time not laughing.
The
woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology,
but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to
rob you? She didn't know what to say.
The
three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted
on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the
corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter
as they walked back to the elevator.
The
woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred
dollar bill. The card said: Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
It was signed; Eddie Murphy, Michael Jordan
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her
grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel,
and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly,
Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out
free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for
myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for
information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it
at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and
suck them dry." The policeman fainted.
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE
HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T
THINK SO.
FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T
THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.
I'M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE,
AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID; WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots
of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. "You've
got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy
dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted
freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!" The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles." The little boy thought for
a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little
girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished
my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's
it about?" he asked.. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and
ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed
for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if
anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy
neighbor's wife."
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues
Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling,
my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the
20,000 leaks!"
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting
pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa.
The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised.
"Mine says I'm four."
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
FIRST TIME
Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event,
the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The
boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for
you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say
grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea
you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders
on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog
and her cat. The fire fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around
the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but...then I
wouldn't have a siren."
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. While her dad gets his hair cut, she stands right next to the
barber chair eating a Hostess snack cake. The barber says to her, "Y'know, sweetheart, you're gonna
get hair on your Twinkie." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
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Get out your Kleenex before reading this...
A good reminder: take time to appreciate what you
have now.
On the last day before Christmas, I hurried
to go to the supermarket to buy the gifts I didn't manage
to buy earlier. When I saw all the people there, I started
to complain to myself: 'It is going to take forever
here and I still have so many other places to go...' Christmas
really is getting more and more annoying every year. How
I wish I could just lie down, go to sleep and only wake up after
it was over. I started to curse the prices, wondering
if kids really play with such expensive toys.
While looking in the toy section, I noticed a small boy of about 5 years old pressing a doll against his chest. He kept on touching the hair of the doll and looked so sad. I wondered who this doll was for. Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: 'Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?' The old lady replied: 'You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.' Then she asked him to stay here for 5 minutes while she went to look around. She left quickly. The
little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.
Finally, I started to walk towards him and
asked who he wanted to give this doll to. 'It is the
doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for
this Christmas. She was so sure that Santa Claus would
bring it to her.' I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus will bring
it to her, after all, and not to worry. But he replied to me sadly.
'No, Santa Claus can not bring it to her where she is now. I have
to give the doll to my mother so that she can give it to her when
she goes there.' His eyes were so sad while saying this. 'My sister
has gone to be with God. Daddy say that Mummy will also go to
see God very soon, so I thought that she could bring the doll with her
to give it to my sister'. My heart nearly stopped. The
little boy looked up at me and said: 'I told daddy to
tell mummy not to go yet. I asked him to wait until
I come back from the supermarket' Then he showed me
a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then
told me: 'I also want mummy to take this photo with her so that
she will not forget me.' 'I love my mummy and I wish she doesn't
have to leave me but daddy says that she has to go to be with my
little sister' Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.
I quickly reached for my wallet and took
a few bills and said to the boy. What if we checked
again, just in case if u have enough money?' 'Ok' he
said. 'I hope that I have enough.' I added some of my
money to his without him seeing and we started to count
it. There was enough for the doll, and even some spare money. The little boy said:
'Thank you God for giving me enough money' then he looked at me and added: 'I asked yesterday before I slept for God to make
sure I have enough money to buy this doll so that mummy can give it to my sister. He heard me' 'I also wanted to have enough
money to buy a white rose for my mummy, but I didn't dare to ask God too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and the
white rose.' 'You know, my mummy loves white roses.
A few minutes later, the old lady came again and I left with my trolley. I finished
my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind. Then I remembered
a local newspaper article 2 days ago, which mentioned of a drunk man in a truck who hit a car where there was one young lady
and a little girl. The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state The family had
to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-assisting machine, because the young lady would not be able to get out of the
coma. Was this the family of the little boy? Two days after this encounter with the little boy in mind, I read in the newspaper
that the young lady had passed away.
I couldn't stop myself and went to buy a bunch of white roses and I went to
the mortuary where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wish before burial. She was there,
in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.
I left the place crying, feeling that my life had been changed forever.
The love that this little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to that day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction
of a second, a drunk man had taken all this away from him.
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little
boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No." The little
boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No, now go play." The little boy then says to his sister,
"Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you
'no'." The little girl says, "Please? Please Grandpa? Make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a
frog noise?" The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
There was a guy sunbathing in the nude
on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came
up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked
away, and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened.
The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the
next thing I know is I'm here."
The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that
naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his Bird and it spit on me, so I broke
its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
Moral of the story..........................Never lie to girls!!
Password
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that
he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try, for the shock effect, to bring this to his wife's
attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying
in "P...E...N...I...S".
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have
obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your
daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.Again, it
manifests itself in your
child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
manifests itself in your
child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers.
"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided
to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the
sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little
boy.
So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the
thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off
to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can
have it." "What's it called? Eve asked.
"Brains" God said.
Doctor Stories
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having
trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours
and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the
man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Dr.
Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman entered with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk,
sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing. It was quickly determined the patient had acute appendicitis,
so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,
the staff noticed her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said; "Sorry, had to mow the
lawn."
*
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment
he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly
burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling
you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
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